My Own Mother

I don’t know where to start here. I know my chest is tight and I feel like I’ve done something wrong. I don’t want to hate myself for doing this, it is not like me to do it. It used to be.

I’ve come into this love with Kai. It’s enveloped my being, held my insecurities, stifled my shadows. And it’s been really good. I never thought I would have to go back. Why should I when it feels so good to be Here. I did go back. I’m not taking care of the child in me. So here I am, trying not to hate her, but make her feel held.

Facts. I led a guy on, I asked for his attention, and I asked for it again. Thinking about it, feeling it, brings tears to my eyes and knots my stomach. She was in the next room and I did it. I could defend myself left and right because I still think I handled it well. But what about Little Mo? She didn’t handle it well. What kind of attention can I give her to quell her hate of me?

I don’t know how it started but I used my sex. There were so many people and, after every one of them, I hated myself. I knew boys wanted it, self-fucking -validation. I used to run this idea that feeling attractive would make me a woman or something equally as shitty, constantly.

I remember realizing it the more I spent time with Kai. After looking around the room I just walked into and judging each boy, each girl-telling myself I was so much better-hating them. I wanted all of them to love me, to tell me I was pretty, to want me.

I hate coming back here. It’s small and scary and lonely.

How do I help you Little Mo?

She made herself known again the other night. She pushed and squirmed through this love and safety that I shoved on top of her, and hurt me.

She’s still hating me, and hating my parents. She’s selfish and mean and clawing around for help.

How?

This brings me back to something I wrote she used to speak.

((I think
It’s time to make myself happy.
Maybe start at the top,
Brush a little dirt away,
Then lift an arm,
Tear it from the cobwebs that
bind me like chains.
Dig a little around my feet,
Pull them out of the
Engulfing quicksand,
And finally,
Rub my hands around
My cold, sad heart.))

Don’t you know you are loved? That I’ve tried to quell your fears, that Kai loves you too? She’s been teaching me to love you, even if I just figured that out. I just figured that out.

I’ve ignored

covered

muffled all

I have left.

Looking forward,

narrowly

focused.

I’m sorry,

I have left you.

You can come

with me. I’d

like to teach you

what I have learned.

All I can say is fuck-I feel better.

I think she feels better.