I’ve had the zeropoint experience enough where I am beginning and able to play with and mold my attention in situations I meet out in the world. Where I react as I used to with fear and weakness, I am sometimes able to catch my dishonest behavior. I bring my attention inward, am able to notice how my body is, and have a brief moment of “What the fuck?!” before I bring it back out and am present.

Today, I didn’t catch it. I made a mistake I didn’t want to admit to another person. So I covered it, thinking I could fix it and no one would know I ever had a damn fault in my life. I lied. I would never call myself a liar. I am still baffled that I didn’t think I was lying. “I was just trying to fix it.” What has been difficult is relying on others. Or, willing to admit responsibility, aware of it’s potentially hurtful impact on another, and feeling shitty about making a mistake. What she said is completely true here. Sorts-by-others. If I make you feel bad, you aren’t going to approve of me, so I’m probably not okay. What the fuck.

Thinking about it, I wanted her approval. I didn’t want her to know that there was a moment where I acted without integrity. Because I know I was being a dipshit. I didn’t want anyone else to know.

I was careful about the information I gave, I thought I was going to get away with it. As soon as she asked if I was being honest, I admitted it. Before this most recent episode of “Monique is a Liar,” I would’ve kept lying. As soon as I met resistance, I became present. I realized what I had done…I couldn’t believe I thought I could still get away with it.

Would it be useful to you and I to describe how I am in my body when I dissociate in this way? I am between thinking it would be useful to really know this state from my present state of perfection (haha), and being wary of falling back into the literal experience of it in my body and not being able to come back out. And then I am thinking, what if there were an instant way of running a certain focus of attention in my body. Shouldn’t I be practicing the language and structure of these states so I may move in and out of them fluidly?

What would it feel like to be open about my faults and mistakes? I don’t know, maybe I should try it. Hiding things doesn’t make anything different. I’ll do it again. Because I did it this time. Will being vulnerable translate to not-making-retarded-decisions?

And now I take from this a deeper understanding of my habit of protecting and scheming, lying and manipulating. Running the same reaction in my body while I am zeroed-in I have become familiar with how it is not me, but just an excuse. I hope to catch myself falling into this state of childishness, or even avoid the tendency all together.